Posts Tagged ‘Reviews’

I’m all for a bit of trash television.  I like reality shows, I enjoy my X-factor and even indulge in the odd bit of Hollyoaks.  But sometimes, something comes along so truly terrible that it makes me question ever turning on my television again.

The Door was one of these programmes.

This was indeed quite possibly the worst hour and a bit of television I have ever set my eyes upon. Not only did I want to switch off my television, I wanted to smash, burn and bury it, only to dig up the parts to add to my trusty flux capacitator and invent a time machine to take me back to a simpler time where trash like this could never possibly infringe on my life.  You talk about time you will never get back. This is time I wanted to have a funeral service for, and record a charity single to raise funds in its memory.

It was on for two hours over Friday and Saturday night. I managed Fridays episode, and some of Saturdays but I truly lost the will to live after the first five minutes.

So what was it about.  Well, it was equal parts Saw Game, I’m a Celebrity, Crystal Maze and Middle Management Training exercise. Fronted by Amanda “Windtunnel” Holden and Chris “Desperate” Tarrant, it saw six celebrities competing against each other by facing their worst fears, the winner earning £25,000 for their favourite charity. This I suppose was the only polish to this stupendously steaming turd, but it was buried so deep you forgot about it.

Set in a “Mysterious” “Russian” storage facility, Dean Gaffney, Michael Underwood, Keith Duffy, Louisa Lytton, Frankie Sandford and Jennie McAlpine were to pit their “wits” and nerve against each other through a series of challenges involving rotting carcasses, caged animals, creepy crawlies, fake sewers and some thinking to see who would come out the winner.

So why exactly was it so terrible?

The Door puns – The Most Unhinged gameshow in the world! No.

The lack of any actual peril- There was pretend peril in night vision cameras and tight spaces, but no actual danger.  There was one part about them having to crawl past dogs IN CAGES! I have a dog phobia but I could manage walking past one in a cage. The point that this was “The most terrifying celebrity ordeal on television!!!” was hammered home to us several times. It wasn’t.

The GCSE Psychology – Amanda Holden actually uttered “They’re working as a team now, but it won’t last. O RLY AMANDA?! that’s so insightful. People in a competition may be competitive?

Dont’ get me started on Holden.  The talking out of the side of her mouth and mime artistry in lieu of any actual emotion on her face was grating after the first 30 seconds.

The Recaps – Why must we be treated like goldfish? I remember what happened before the break.  It was three minutes ago. But no, we were treated to a recap of the programme so far after every break, as making tea often erases one’s brain.

So there you go. It was awful. I spent the first hour just waiting for it to cross the line into bad/good. It never did.  I may even go as far as to say that this made Fort Boyard look classy, and that had Leslie Grantham, Melinda Messenger and midgets.


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