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Archive for March, 2015

On freedom

Like it’s supposed to, it was the eclipse that started it.

All the talk about new beginnings and strange happenings passed a cynic like me by, but it was the eclipse that made me do something I’ve never ever done.  The eclipse made me think about something that an ex partner said to me on the day of the 1999 eclipse.  It was quite innocuous in the context of our relationship. It was no doubt horrible, as many people pointed out, but was by no means the worst.

It wasn’t what he said that got me thinking though, it was that I’d never, ever tweeted anything about the bad times of our relationship. Yes, I’d mentioned him and yes many people know it wasn’t an easy relationship to say the least but as for actual specifics on the main timeline, I certainly can’t recall doing it.

Then I realised that it was because I felt safe to do it, and no longer felt the need to keep the secrets. After over three years and various stages of twitter silence, changing my account name and various suspicious random accounts following me, I finally feel like I can say what I want on my twitter account.

This in turn got me thinking about the concept of freedom. I don’t want to make this post the gory details about previous relationships, firstly because it’s only my side of the story and secondly, the person in question has no right to reply to this, but I haven’t always had physical freedom.   That took a lot of getting used to and still does from time to time, but the mental freedom still isn’t 100% there. That’s why it took me a while to write this, I suppose. If I get it out and manage to post it, it’s one stage on from the tweet, right? It may be that I spend my whole time panicking after pressing send but then at least I stop being worried, and stop feeling like I have to protect the people that hurt me.

Mental freedom is the hurdle that I now face. I still constantly feel like I’m in the wrong;  that every act of indifference is rejection or something to do with me being inherently bad or unlovable. I am better at this than I was- I wear makeup, I wear nice clothes and I try to take care of my body as much as I am able when I am able – but I wouldn’t say that I was free from worrying about what other people think, see or judge me to be.  I’m slowly learning that if people don’t appreciate me that that may not be my problem. It could be theirs.

I know I’ve a way to go but now, finally, I feel like I can tweet like nobody is watching and I’m coming round to the idea that I may be the kind of person people like to be friends with.  So please bear with me if I need your reassurance, and those that know me know I need a LOT, because I think that it’s all part of me getting better and getting my freedom back.

Thanks for reading,

Hx

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